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Evil Elves: their crimes

Evil Elf #5 - Mooshkin

Once upon a time I cocked up some ‘cute’ Christmas elves I was making, and they became evil. Here’s the lowdown on the crimes these evil elves committed.

If you’re reading this post, it’s because someone sent you an Evil Elves Christmas card, or because you followed a link from this post here

Santa employs millions of elves. It’s a necessary part of the job; only a fool would believe he could do all that work himself.

The vast majority of Santa’s elves are good, kind-hearted, jolly creatures who love to spread joy and cheer.

But one day a renegade gang of 12 elves broke away and formed the Santa’s Evil Elf Gang. They are pure evil, have disgusting habits, and are now wanted for a number of heinous crimes against Christmas.

Evil Elf #1

Evil Elf #1 - Mooshkin

Number: 001
Name: Percy ‘Dirty Porker’ Piggington
Crime: not washing hands after pooing, then fondling your food
Wants to: eat all the food in the world
Will actually: eat all the chocolate decorations on your Christmas tree
How to stop him: soap. Lots of soap

Evil Elf #2

Evil Elf #2 - Mooshkin

Number: 002
Name: Stuart “Suspect” Simpson
Crime: Eye theft on a massive scale
Wants to: Steal your eyes while you sleep
Will actually: Steal your eyes, and hoard hem with the others.
How to stop him: wear a sleep mask

Evil Elf #3

Evil Elf #3 - Mooshkin

Number: 003
Name: Steve “Sordid Secret” Smith
Crime: Indecent exposure
Wants to: Lose the ‘man-juice’ stains from his trousers
Will actually: Wash his trousers in your tea
How to stop him: Never leave tea unattended

Evil Elf #4

Evil Elf #4 - Mooshkin

Number: 004
Name: Ug
Crime: Steals Christmas cracker toys but leaves the cracker intact
Wants: To go out with a bang, taking you with him
Will actually: Set fire to your Christmas tree
How to stop him: Hide all lighters and matches

Evil Elf #5

Evil Elf #5 - Mooshkin

Number: 005
Name: The Soul Stealer
Crime: Steals souls and sells them to Satan
Wants: Your soul
Will actually: Steal your soul
How to stop him: He cannot be stopped…

Evil Elf #6

Number: 006
Name: Dippy Dale
Crime: Confidence trickster
Wants to: Make you believe he’s thick
Will actually: Very cleverly rip you off
How to stop him: Leave puzzle magazines everywhere – he can’t resist them

Evil Elf #7

Evil Elf #7 - Mooshkin

Number: 007
Name: Animal. Filthy Animal.
Crime: Peeping Tom
Wants to: Watch you undress
Will actually: Touch himself while he watches you undress
How to stop him: Sanitise all surfaces – cleanliness is his biggest enemy

Evil Elf #8

Evil Elf #8 - Mooshkin

Number: 008
Name: Vladimir Poo-tin
Crime: Collects poo and stores it in tins
Wants: Entry to your poo-hole
Will actually: Find his way in, eventually
How to stop him: A buttplug in the shape of Barack Obama

Evil Elf #9

Evil Elf #9 - Mooshkin

Number: 009
Name: Colonel Bogey
Crime: Smearing nose contents on presents
Wants to: Blow snot all over your turkey
Will actually: Succeed, if you don’t stop him
How to stop him: Fill his nostrils with Fimo, bake at 110C for 30 minutes

Evil Elf #10

Evil Elf #10 - Mooshkin

Number: 010
Name: Barry
Crime: Drunk and disorderly, GBH
Wants to: Punch your f**king lights out
Will actually: Fall over while trying to punch you
How to stop him: Tell him there is no god – his head will explode

Evil Elf #11

Evil Elf #11 - Mooshkin

Number: 011
Name: Psychotic Simon
Crime: Murder, attempted murder, torture
Wants to: Torture you to death
Will actually: Torture you to death
How to stop him: You can’t. See you in hell.

Evil Elf #12

Evil Elf #12 - Mooshkin

Number: 012
Name: Disgusting Dennis
Crime: Wanton spreading of germs
Wants to: Wipe out the human race
Will actually: Wipe his willy on your curtains
How to stop him: Swap all your curtains for Venetian blinds


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